Heartbroken

This morning my husband woke me up to tell me he had a voice mail from my mom’s husband telling us that my mom passed away. Apparently a week ago she fell and broke 4 or 5 ribs. Last night she was in physical therapy getting a brace put on and she was having trouble breathing. They took her to the emergency room and she had a heart attack. They were able to revive her twice, but the third time she didn’t come back. My heart is broken in a million pieces. She lived in Florida and I never got to say goodbye. I haven’t seen her since January. She drove up here to surprise me for my 50th birthday. Prior to that, I hadn’t seen her in over a year. Probably not since Christmas 2016. I haven’t even talked to her in a couple weeks. She hadn’t called to tell me she fell and broke her ribs. She never wanted to worry me. Her husband said that last night he had asked her if she had called me and she said she would. She has always been one of these people who doesn’t want to worry me. When my grandparents were sick, they wouldn’t tell me and she wouldn’t tell me. It drove me nuts. I always told her, what if something happens to someone and I don’t get the chance to say goodbye? Then she finally started telling me when something was wrong with others, but never with her. She had very brittle bones and has been falling a lot lately. I told her if she kept falling, I was going to put her in a home. Of course, I was just kidding because she was only 72, but maybe I should have. I hate that she lives in Florida because she is so far away and I can’t keep an eye on her. She used to live about 5 hours away, but at least it was within driving distance and we could see her whenever we wanted. Now it is plane tickets and vacation days and time off of school to see her. I know it was her dream to live down there, but she moved when our daughter wasn’t even a year old. She has never seen one of her concerts or her elementary school graduation, and now she never will. Now my poor little 10 year old is asking me questions about if God makes things happen, why did He make grandma die, and why can’t people live forever. I don’t have the answers for her. I wonder the same questions myself. She was too young. Everyone who ever met her loved her. She was the life of every party. She lit up every room she walked into. Halloween was her absolute favorite holiday. She had the best costume every year and always won a prize.

She hasn’t had an easy life. She was divorced from my dad when I was 2 and became a single mom, which is the hardest job any woman can ever have. She went on to marry some real assholes in her life. But she has been married for the last 30 years to the best guy ever. John is a true prince. I’m so grateful she found him and I’m so sorry for his loss. I know it hurts him as much as it hurts me. Over the last 20 years, my mom has suffered from night terrors. She hasn’t been able to sleep for more than a few hours straight in 20 years and there is no cure for it. Also about 20 years ago, she had a triple bypass. She has done very well since then and had constant monitoring, some very recently, so I don’t know if that had anything to do with this or not. She was recently diagnosed with skin cancer and has had grafts done all over her legs, which have been very painful. Her parents passed away many years ago and she basically nursed them every day when they were ill. Her dad passed in 1998 and her mom in 2007. She has missed them terribly. My only comfort right now is knowing that she is reunited with them and that she is no longer in pain. I also know that she can finally get some sleep. I just wish I could tell her I love her one more time.

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