Yesterday I spent the entire morning going through my hope chest desperately looking for cards my mom gave me for birthdays or Mother’s Day, just to see her handwriting. I realized that much too often I throw away cards. Shame on me. I wonder how much stuff I have not kept that she has given me. Then I crawled in bed and cried for a few hours. Yesterday I had somewhere to go and wanted to wear one of her tops that I brought home with me, but I couldn’t bring myself to get it dirty. Then I would have to wash it and her scent would go away.
As much as I hate it, I’m trying to realize that life must go on somehow. I have a child and I can’t sit around and cry all the time. It makes her upset and she is trying to be brave and be my comforter. She is too young to act grown up and comfort me. I have to be the adult, no matter how much it hurts. On Saturday I took her trick-or-treating with her best friend. I wasn’t really in the mood to even leave the house, but it helped me to get out and see all the kids dressed up and having fun. The girls were really cute and their faces lit up when 2 of the houses both gave them 20 pieces of candy. Yes – they really gave them 20 pieces of candy!! Kids have a way of cheering you up when you are really down.
In the last 10 days, we have been to two concerts. It just so happens we bought concert tickets way back in February to these concerts that fell within two weeks of each other. Who knew back then how life would change in October? We saw the Eagles and Fleetwood Mac. I wasn’t in the mood for either one, even though the Eagles are my all time favorite band. I have seen them 7 times. In 2013, my mom and I flew to New York to see them. We had the BEST time! This is all I thought about the day of the concert and I was dreading it, but we spent a literal ton of money on the tickets, and my husband would kill me if we didn’t go. He convinced me that my mom would want me to go and have a good time and he was right, as he always is. We did have a good time. When “Heartache Tonight” came on, I thought of my mom right away because I always remember her teaching me how to rollerskate to that song. I quietly dedicated it to her. During Fleetwood Mac, I really didn’t want to go even more so. We were going with friends and going out to dinner. I wasn’t feeling sociable in the least, but again forced myself to go. They played a Crowded House song, “Don’t Dream It’s Over” and I cried. I know it has nothing to do with death, but it made me cry because I want to think my mom will come back and it’s not really over. The very last song was called “All Over Again” and was kind of a downer for a last song. It was mostly a song about troubles in love and doing it all over again, but it made me really sad. I thought about my mom and all the problems she had in her life. She had a lot of troubles in love, but also a tremendous amount of health problems, but she still led a happy life. I would like to think that she wouldn’t change a thing. I think if she had the chance, she would do it all over again.