I made it

Well, I did it. I went to the gym today. I was unsure the entire drive and debated turning around all the way there, including as I drove into the parking lot. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to face people and talk about where I have been. I know that getting there is half the battle. Sure enough, the first person I saw when I got in the pool said “I haven’t seen you in weeks”. As I teared up, he said “I know, no excuses”. I told him my mom died a few weeks ago and I’ve barely been able to leave the house. He said he was sorry and said hopefully the exercise would be good for me. He’s a nice old guy, so I know he didn’t mean any harm. He couldn’t have possibly known. I made it through the class, until the cool down song, which is always a sad song. I started crying after the class ended. I fully expected it. I know this will take time. It did feel good. I’m going to go back tomorrow.

I also made appointments with my trainer for 2 training sessions in upcoming weeks. I have to get back on the horse. I can’t just sit on the couch and get fat. I did manage to get a laugh in at that lady across the pool who makes the really stupid faces when she works out. The lady next to me and I were cracking up at her. She thinks that she is doing face exercises. I think she looks like a drowning fish. It felt good to laugh at something, even if it was at someone else’s expense. She didn’t know we were laughing at her. She was all the way in the other pool.

Also, I have to ask… what is the deal with the Black Friday sales today? It is November 1. Is this stuff really going to start the day after Halloween now? Before you know it there will be Christmas sales on Labor Day when the kids go back to school. I’m sorry, but I’m just not in the mood this year. The first time I hear a holiday song before Thanksgiving on the radio, I’m turning the channel. I’ll send the obligatory Christmas cards. I already wrote the letter and cried the whole time. This was a really SUCKY year. I’ll make it great for my child because I’m determined to be a great mother and make sure when the inevitable day comes that I am gone, she has wonderful memories of me. What do I want for Christmas? I want my mom back.

Please don’t tell me to get a grip or get a therapist. I have a therapist and it’s only been 3 weeks. I’m not bringing my family down. They are very supportive. It’s called for better, for worse. And my daughter is the sweetest little thing. She gives me lots of extra hugs and kisses. She had very little time to get to know her grandma as my mom has lived in Florida for most of my daughter’s life. It’s still a big loss for her, she was her favorite grandma. She has her moments of sadness, but overall she is doing pretty well. Better than me. If you’ve lost a parent, you know the sadness. If you lost one unexpectedly, you can relate to the devastation. Especially when they didn’t live nearby. This is the hardest thing. I hadn’t seen her in 10 months, and that time it was only for 1 day. I hadn’t spent any significant time with her since Christmas 2016. I envy people who live in the same town as their parents. I haven’t lived in the same town as my mom since I left for college. My dad has been gone for 14 years. I have no siblings. I am an island.

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