Yard Work = Thinking Time

OK, I lied. I didn’t go to the gym today. The sun was out and it was 45 degrees, so I decided to clean up the flower beds. They are a big mess and they need to look decent for when we sell our house in the spring. I worked for 3 hours, so I got a much better workout than I would have at the gym. I am going to be VERRRRY sore tomorrow in places I forgot exist. I looked at the clouds to search for my mom and I did a lot of talking to her while I was outside. I’ve always found yard work to be relaxing  and a good time to do a lot of thinking. Of course, I thought of lots of things I wish I could change. I wish I would have been a better teenager. I definitely gave my mom a lot of challenges. If payback is a bitch, I’m in for a lot of trouble with my own daughter.

I also wish I could have changed a lot of things for my mom. She was pretty bad at choosing men. I know she would admit this herself. She was divorced from my dad when I was only 2 years old. He wasn’t a very nice person. She went on to marry my step-dad when I was 6, who also wasn’t a very nice person. (I’m being very kind with that statement.) Since I was just a little kid, I had no idea what was to come with him. I knew, even as a 6 year old, that I didn’t like him very much. I wish I could have told my mom to be a little more picky and wait for someone better. My mom was beautiful! She could have had anyone she wanted. I think she had very low self esteem and didn’t know her worth, so she went for the first guy who paid her any attention. I’m so sorry she didn’t grow up to know she was worth so much more. They divorced when I was 14. Thank the Lord!! I did the happy dance on that one. A couple years later, she married the most collassal asshole to walk the Earth. After you read this, if you know someone worse, please let me know. His name was Bob. My mom had been out drinking one night and fell asleep in her car. Now I’m not defending her for drinking and driving. She only had a few blocks to drive, so I’m guessing she thought she was alright. I think I was staying overnight at a friends house that night. She made the mistake of calling Bob. Well, Bob was the Assistant Chief of Police in our town. Mr. Asshole called the officer on duty who gave her a DWI. Nice – huh? Wait… it gets worse. One night I had heard a noise downstairs, so Bob got up to investigate and took his gun with him. He didn’t find anything, but when he went back to bed, he slept with his loaded gun under his pillow pointed at my mom’s head.  Do you know anyone worse than that?! I’ll bet you don’t. I told my mom several times not to marry him. I begged her not to marry him. She said we couldn’t survive unless she did because we didn’t have any money. We were flat broke. I told her we would find a way. I was 16 at the time. I wish I would have gotten a job. I could have just given her the money. I know that none of her friends would have let us go hungry or without a place to live. My boyfriend’s family would have let us stay with them. I know they would have. We would have found a way for a couple years. The day I left for college, she walked out the door and left him. The best move she ever made. A few years later, she finally met her soul mate, John. They celebrated 30 years of marriage this past August. I often wonder why she didn’t meet him first. John often jokes that they didn’t meet first because it was illegal. He is 9 years younger than my mom. Since she had me when she was 21, he would have only been 12. Ha ha! I’m grateful that she found him and they had 30 wonderful years together. She was happy at last.

I do however, think she suffered from PTSD from Bob sleeping with his gun under his pillow. He did it more than once. Who knows what else he did to her? She was also sexually harassed at one of her jobs. She didn’t tell me until many years later. I wish she would have told me, because I would have gone and punched that jerk in the face. She had night terrors for over 20 years and I think these are the reasons. I told her to go for counseling, but she always said it didn’t help. I kept telling her to find different ones until she found one who helped. Maybe if she would have found someone, she would still be here. You can’t go through years with no sleep. It’s hard on your heart.

My mom was having therapy for her broken ribs when she started having trouble breathing and they took her to the ER. This is when she had the heart attack. John found her phone broken in 3 pieces on the floor where she was having therapy. I wonder if she was trying to call me. What would she have said to me? Would she have told me she thought she was going to die? Would I have gotten to talk to her one last time and say I love you? What happens when you die? I think that she saw that bright light and she knew she was on her way to see her mom and dad, who she has missed so much these last several years. I think knowing she would see them and be free from so much pain was so strong, that she went for it. I think she knew that I could take care of myself and that my husband would take good care of me. I know she’s in a good place and she is with God. I know she’s free from pain, she can sleep and she is with my grandparents, and that comforts me the most.

Somehow I have noticed that a lot of TV shows have been about grief lately. Maybe I’m just noticing it more than usual. If you are a Grey’s Anatomy fan, last night’s ending resonated with me when Meredith said something like “what’s the best way to grieve… however the hell you want”.

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