I couldn’t sleep last night. Or the night before. I don’t know what my problem is. All I know is that I want to be like my cats who are currently sound asleep next to me curled up on top of each twisted every which way. If I ever get reincarnated, I want to come back as one of them. I was wide awake from 2:45 to 6:15. Ugh! My mind was wandering about everything from where should I put the cat dishes when I show the house, to what do I need from Target on Wednesday (I can’t remember anything I thought of), to needing to ask my neighbor to save me some newspapers when I start packing (we don’t get the paper, and also, I forgot to do this). No good comes from thinking in the middle of the night. I try very hard to go to my happy place to get back to sleep. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I finally fell asleep sometime around 6:30ish. I had a dream about my mom for the first time in over 3 weeks. We were sitting at a picnic table and she was eating Taco Bell. Her favorite. She was eating like 6 tacos! She was very tiny and could never eat that much! Although, when it comes to Taco Bell, she probably could. It was a silly, very short dream, but those dreams about her make me know she is with me.
Well, now it’s 2019 and I’m happy to see 2018 go. The kiddo goes back to school tomorrow, so we can all get back on a regular schedule. I’m ready to get back to the gym. The last 2 days, I have been massively cleaning house to prepare it for sale. I have the entire first floor done already. I even cleaned the refrigerator! Next I have to tackle the second floor and then the dreaded basement [insert scary music]. I wrote up the sale flyer today and all we have to do is measure all the rooms, take the pictures, put a sign in the yard and hope for some phone calls. We are going to give it a try on our own, so wish us luck. I will really miss this house, but I have come to realize that it’s time for a change. This is the third year of driving my daughter 40 minutes round trip to school and I can’t keep doing it. It has really worn on me. There are mornings that I don’t think I can do it another day.
I also woke up this morning deciding that I’m not going to live my life worrying about everything so much anymore. My mom was a chronic worrier, so I know where I got it from. I worry about my health a lot and I don’t want to be like that anymore. I don’t want to end up like my parents. My dad died 14 years ago at age 58. Much too young. My mom was only 72. My grandparents on my mom’s side were both 87. I want to take after them and be around for my daughter. I don’t know anything about my dad’s side. They were divorced when I was 2. I think the less I worry, the healthier I will be.
I’m going to work on having the attitude that everything will work out for the best and that God has a plan for us. I also know that now we have a special angel watching over us and she will always keep an eye on us.
Happy New Year! I for one am glad to see this year come to an end. This was not a great year for me. We keep one of those jars where you are supposed to throw little slips of paper in with all the good things that happened, and then read them at the end of the year. We read them today… there were 4 slips of paper. Not cool. And one of them made me cry because it was about me turning 50 and my mom driving up from Florida to surprise me. That was the last time I ever saw her. Losing a parent will really ruin your whole year.
The rest of the year wasn’t exactly stellar. We had to make a number of repairs on our home starting right away in January. Our boiler went out and we had to replace it. I would have preferred to nurse it along to try to make it through since we are selling our house anyhow, but my husband didn’t want to chance it. He was waking up every night in the middle of the night to check on it. Many nights it was out and we were freezing. Waking up with it 65 degrees in the house isn’t great. It’s also nearly impossible to get a kid out of bed for school. Whoever buys our house is going to get a state-of-the art brand new boiler. Lucky them. We also had to replace our septic tank this summer. We knew that last fall, as it had to be ordered in advance. It didn’t make paying for it any more enjoyable knowing that we are moving. Two expensive repairs amongst a few other nuisances.
So, other than getting 2 new kittens (except that our 16 year old cat died) and taking a fantastic trip to Washington DC, I will not fondly remember 2018.
I recently read a book that asked the question “why do we suffer?” I would love to know the answer to that. Maybe we must suffer in order to realize how good we have it when life is going great. Maybe we need to pay more attention to the joyful times instead of taking them for granted so much and assuming that joy is just an ordinary day. I have suffered a lot in the last 3 months since my mom died. I don’t have many friends, so I don’t really have anyone to lean on except my husband. I cry a lot and I have also gotten sick 4 times since September. Either my immune system stinks or I am just worn down by sadness. But I also know that my mom suffered a lot in life. She had many medical issues, including a very severe sleep disorder. Although her death was very sudden, and she was much too young at 72, I have a sense that she was worn out. I know she is resting peacefully and she is with her parents. I also know there is joy in life and it’s not that I have been moping around. Lots of things make me laugh. I find many moments of joy, I just have to find my way back to complete joy again. I will get there. My mom wouldn’t want me to be sad.
Don’t take those joyful moments for granted. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your parents. Before you know it, they could be gone and life is never the same.
My great prayer for myself, my family, and all of you reading this, is that 2019 brings us all many blessings. Every time I say “this is my year”, it isn’t. I thought with turning 50, 2018 was going to be my year. It definitely was NOT. I do plan to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get started with a new year. I sincerely hope that my family’s jar has many more than 4 slips of paper next year. I hope yours does too. Happy New Year!